


Melting Away

by seungKim



Category: ENHYPEN (Band), I-LAND (Korea TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Made Myself Cry, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, M/M, Sad, Sad Ending, Sick Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-04
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:53:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,061
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26282233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seungKim/pseuds/seungKim
Summary: Heeseung melted away too fast just like ice. Disappeared too fast from Sunghoon's life.
Relationships: Lee Heeseung/Park Sunghoon
Comments: 22
Kudos: 63





	Melting Away

**Author's Note:**

> i suck at writing so pls spare me

Heeseung stared at the doctor, mind blank and refusing to process anything. She looks at Heeseung with so much pity that Heeseung can't help but feel annoyed.

"E-excuse me?“ He felt Sunghoon’s eyes on him, those beautiful piercing eyes which were probably filled with tears by now. Sunghoon had rested a hand on his thigh way before the doctor had entered. Heeseung really needed that touch, Sunghoon's touch.

"It is a big shock and I am terribly sorry, Mr. Lee. The cancer has already spread too much."

Hesseung wishes he's deaf and that he's not hearing this things. "Cancer?“ he stuttered out. He didn’t dare to look over at Sunghoon, Heeseung is sure that if he took a glance at the crestfallen look of Sunghoon, he'll have a breakdown.

Her soft voice, doesn't any comfort to him. "Leukemia. It’s progressing quite fast. The CT scan shows metastases in your bowel. We will of course offer you pain management. You can get help anytime you need on our palliative ward.“ Her kind eyes flickered to Sunghoon when he spoke up.

His voice cracked in the middle of his sentence and Heeseung feels bad that he has cancer, feels bad that he put Sunghoon in a dark place like this. "Can... Can y-you still t-treat him?"

"There is but I wouldn’t say it’s the best way. The chances of the treatment working is close to zero. Unless you want to give it a try, Mr. Lee?“ Her gaze landed on him again and Heeseung doesn't know what to say.

"I- Uh. I don’t know." For the first time since they're informed about his sickness, Heeseung looked at Sunghoon. He stared into the eyes of the love of his life, which were glossy with unspilled tears. It hurt, it really hurts Heeseung's heart to see Sunghoon like that.

"It's okay, you can take your time and think about it." She gently stoop up, politely bowed her head and left. Once the door clicked shut, Heeseung’s stiff posture loosened.

He hadn’t even realised the tears falling uncontrolled until Sunghoon cupped his face while wiping the tears away with his thumbs. Sunghoon doesn't say anything, Heeseung clinged unto Sunghoon's wrist as if when he let's go Sunghoon will disappear.

Sunghoon pressed soft kisses on his head. He didn’t tell Heeseung to stop crying, he had no right.

"Consider the treatment, Heeseung hyungie. Please." Sunghoon whispered and Heeseung can feel the pain behind his voice.

Heeseung is scared, but when he heard Sunghoon's begging voice, he started dwelling on the what ifs.

"I'll do it, for you"

Heeseung had started the third round of chemotherapy. Sunghoon was standing behind the stretcher he was sitting on, soothingly rubbing his back as Heeseung retched. It didn't end well with the brachytheraphy, that's why he's receiving chemo now.

Sunghoon never left his side. Sunghoon was forced to wear a mask, gown and disposable gloves ever since Heeseung had started with the chemo. Doctors said something about his non existent immune system or something like that. To keep him safe from infections. It still frustrated Heeseung though. He just wants to feel Sunghoon's skin in his.

Heeseung felt weak and disgusting. "You're so strong." Sunghoon praised his boyfriend, he pinched Heeseung's bony cheeks which made the other giggle. It didn't last long though, soon enough violent coughs left his body. Sunghoon pulled away to search for the bucket.

He stopped his search when he heard Heeseung mutter under his breath. "Not again."

The sight of Heeseung’s bleeding nose had panicked Sunghoon the first few times but he had gotten used to it by now. "Here, wipe your hands." Once they were clean he pinched his nostrils, Sunghoon resting his free hand on Heeseung’s thin thigh.

Sunghoon stood up to get him some towels and Heeseung watched him. Heeseung feels so thankful for the other, really thankful but he feels sorry at the same time, a bitter smile has found it's way unto Heeseung's lips, as he watched the other came back and held out a wet towel for him.

It seemed like the cooling effect of the wet cloth had helped. Sunghoon caressed his cheeks afterwards, Heeseung buried his face into Sunghoon’s torso, wrapping his arms around the other tightly. Sunghoon tightly locked his arms on his shoulders.

"Hoon-ah..." Sunghoon hummed, waiting for the other to continue. "I want to see the others, it was the last chemo round anyway." Heeseung had slightly pulled away, his arms still locked around Sunghoon’s waist as he looked up with glimmering eyes and cute smile.

Sunghoon gazed with as much affection someone could have into his eyes. "Of course." Heeseung grinned before hugging his waist tighter.

Heeseung smiled when he saw Jungwon and Jake, already inside the cafe, he tugged on Sunghoon's hands to usher him. The couple walked inside the cafe, hand to hand, when Jake turned around in his seat and saw the two.

"Heeseung-hyung!" Jake beamed and Heeseung immediately let go of Sunghoon's hand. Jake stood up from his seat and embraced the weaker man.

Sunghoon walked towards Jungwon, who's staring at Heeseung. "Jungwonie, hey." Sunghoon called out and when Jungwon stared at him, he gasped, Jungwon's eyes are glassy, obviously trying so hard not to cry and his lips were trembling.

"He's okay." It feels heavy to say those words because Sunghoon knows, he knows that Heeseung is not okay, but it gave a little comfort to the younger male, seeing as he gave Sunghoon a small smile.

Soon enough, Heeseung sat beside Sunghoon and Jake sat beside Jungwon. Later on, Jay, Hanbin, Sunoo and Daniel arrived.

The conversation between all of them flowed smoothly, no one even mentions Heeseung's sickness, but you can still see the sadness behind their happy smiles and it was one of those moments where Heeseung felt at peace and contented.

Sunghoon toom a hiatus from ice skating, his mother fully okay with his choice because of Heeseung but for Heeseung he felt like a burden.

“Don’t, Heeseung hyung. There’s nothing for you to apologise for.” Sunghoon had said. “I know how much you loved skating and you have to stop and take a break because of me.” Sunghoon had silenced him with a kiss. “None of it as much as I love you.” Heeseung had hid his face in embarrassment behind his hands. "I love you too."

Heeseung had pulled the covers a little, making space for Sunghoon in the bed. Sunghoon squinted his eyes at him before joining him in the tiny hospital bed.

He had lifted his head, straining himself further but Sunghoon got the memo, stretching his arm underneath out. Heeseung exhaustedly dropped his head onto Sunghoon's arm, closing his eyes. He pulled Heeseung closer, facing him, burning every little detail about Heeseung into his mind. The only source of sound in that moment was the blubbering of the oxygen bottle, where Heeseung’s nasal prongs were attached to.

Sunghoon’s free hand traced the outline of his face- first his temple then his eyes, jaw, nose and then his lips.

"I feel so tired, Hoon-ah. I don't wanna fight it anymore." Heeseung sounded breathless despite the supporting oxygen in his nose. He opened his eyes and searched Sunghoon's eyes for anything negative, but found nothing but affection, love and understanding. "It hurts, Sunghoon." Sunghoon can't breathe when he heard those words, guilt nagged at Sunghoon at times like these even more.

If he hadn’t begged Heeseung to start treatment, would he have been able to go peacefully? Would he have been spared the pain and suffering? Sunghoon knew the answer to it, they all did. He resented himself. Sunghoon felt incredibly selfish, so he just silently pulled Heeseung closer, protectively cradling the older’s head in his arms.

The treatment continued, until one day Heeseung's body gave up.

Sunghoon had a bad feeling. His feeling got confirmed when he peeked at the person lying in the bed. Heeseung looked so small and fragile in the huge ICU rack. He looked lifeless, even more than before and Sunghoon realised for the umpteenth time how tired Heeseung looked with his sunken in face. The ventilator was connected to the tube in his mouth and he seemed to be sleeping. Sunghoon would’ve thought he was gone, gone forever, if it wasn’t for the monitor displaying his heart rate and other vital parameters.

Sunghoon hadn’t slept that night, the guilt eating bigger bits of him with each new day. It had been nearly two years since Heeseung had gotten the diagnosis. Two years filled with pain and tears. Two years of the love of his life slowly drained of his life in his arms. Two years that could’ve been avoided if he hadn’t pestered Heeseung into this.

Sunghoon might or might not have cried the whole time.

Heeseung survived his reanimation and woke up a few days later on. Sunghoon never left his side again.

But when Heeseung woke up, Sunghoon wasn't by his side. Sunghoon stayed home, crying and feeling guilty by the amount of pain he forced Heeseung unto.

It was night time when Sunghoon sneaked in the ice rink, he walked over to the skates and he quickly put on a pair.

Sunghoon danced, he danced and played with his first love, he crashed a few times but he continued on dancing, spinning here and there, gliding here and there.

He only stopped when it feels like his lungs is burning with the need of air, and his limbs hurt from all the fall that had happened.

He walked home that night, full of cold sweat and a small snow globe in his hands.

Heeseung’s room was empty. For a second, panic made its way through Sunghoon’s body until a nurse peeked her head through the door and told Sunghoon that Heeseung is outside because the latter wanted some fresh air. Sunghoon politely nodded and bowed his head.

He quietly placed the small snow globe in the bedside table where all the other snow globes lay. His eyes found it's way unto the hanged polaroid pictures above Heeseung's bed. They were all pictures of the two.

Heeseung’s bright smile and shiny white teeth were captured for eternity in each of the photos. Sunghoon was too caught up in the pictures. He just stood there, taking it all in. From the first day of how they had met until now.

"Where were you yesterday?" He felt arms wrap around his waist from behind. Heeseung was out of breath but he rested his head against Sunghoon’s shoulderblade.

"My apartment." Sunghoon answers quietly, Heeseung tightened his hold on Sunghoon for a bit. The younger could tell it was draining for Heeseung to keep standing. “Come on, you should lie or at least sit down.”

Heeseung lied down in his bed, staring at Sunghoon. "Dont-" He breathed, "Blame-" Again, "Yourself." And again. Sunghoon smiled softly before stroking his cheeks. They stayed like that for a few moments, with Sunghoon looking at him with fond eyes while stroking his cheeks and Heeseung staring at Sunghoon with a contented look in his eyes.

"Hoon." Sunghoon noticed that whenever Heeseung talks it feels like he can't breathe so Sunghoon passed him his phone so he can type out what he wants to say.

𝗖𝗧 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘁 𝘀𝗽𝗿𝗲𝗮𝗱

Sunghoon watched him with sad eyes. There was more than the fatigue in Heeseung's eyes. Sunghoon handed him the phone back. “Spread where?" Sunghoon already knows, he just felt like Heeseung needs to let it all out.

𝗕𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗯𝗿𝗮𝗶𝗻.

“Heeseungie.” Said man looked back up into Sunghoon’s eyes. His eyebrows were drawn together and worry laced his dark caramel orbs. "Do you want to continue this?" 

Heeseung slowly shook his head as if he was ashamed for his choice. Sunghoon turned his body fully towards Heeseung. He cupped his face, thumb gently stroking circles onto Heeseung’s cheeks. “No one’s going to blame you, okay?” His voice was soft just like his gaze and Heeseung pulled Sunghoon into a bone crushing hug, this time cradling the younger’s head softly.

"I love you, Heeseung hyung. I really do." 

Heeseung had officially turned into a palliative case. With just twenty two years he was considered the youngest patient on the ward. He had requested to stay in his room even if it wasn’t a palliative ward. Heeseung still had been granted his wish.

Due to the cancer in his lungs he could barely breathe, so speaking was nearly impossible. The metastases in his bones had lead to a fractured leg. Sunghoon couldn’t do more than watch and hold his hand.

"Sunghoon-ah. I. Wanna." He wheezed for a few seconds, trying to fill his lungs with oxygen. "See you. Skate." Sunghoon rubbed his back. He could count the vertebrae if he wanted. "Of course, hyung." Sunghoon smiled down at him and Heeseung let out a breathless giggle.

It hadn't taken much convincing to get the permission of taking Heeseung out. Apparently the doctors thought it was good for Heeseung as well. The trip had delayed by a few months, though. Another metastasis had broken Heeseung’s vortex, leaving him completely unable to move anything hip downwards. “Hoonie. I can’t feel my legs.” There was no pain, no surprise in his voice. It was like Heeseung had expected it.

Heeseung insisted on wearing Sunghoon's favorite grey sweater, it looks a big on him. He looked like a child while playing with the sweater paws. Eventually Heeseung had fallen asleep, his head resting against the cool window he had closed when Heeseung whined about it being too cold all of a sudden.

Sunghoon's phone chimed and when he looked at it, he saw the messages of his friends saying that they're already in the place, Sunghoon just sent them a small 'coming' as a reply. 

Sunghoon parked the car. Sunghoon couldn’t bring himself to wake Heeseung up. He settled to watching his boyfriend. He felt the fatigue in his bones, the restless nights all suddenly crashing into him as he fought with himself. Sunghoon had given up any hope of Heeseung surviving this. The only thing he was hoping for was that Heeseung would stop being in pain wherever he’d go. Heeseung is like ice in his hands, he can't stop it from melting away from him.

Heeseung’s eyes fluttered open minutes later, as if he had sensed Heeseung’s staring. Heeseung had caught him staring a second too long wistfully. Sunghoon quickly composed himself. “Good morning, hyungie.” He leaned towards Heeseung, who met him halfway, and pecked his nose. Heeseung smiled at him and it feels like the sun opened up to him.

Sunghoon wheeled Heeseung inside the place and there they saw the others, Jungwon and Daniel is already in the ice rink, skating, Sunoo, Hanbin and Jay is talking at the edge of the ice rink while Jake is sitting at one of the benches, doing something in his phone. Heeseung looked up at Sunghoon, confused, Sunghoon smiled at him. "They wanted to see you." Sunghoon says softly.

Sunghoon wheeled Heeseung's wheelchair in the ice rink, they were joining in the fun with the others. It's nice to see Heeseung smiling with the others, just like before. He wheeled and skated over to the edge of the ice rink. Sunghoon just stood there, taking in the laughters of their friends that's playing on ice.

"Do. You. Remember the. First time." Heeseung paused to cough, "We met." He finished as he turned his head to Sunghoon. "Yeah, Jake forced you to watch a figure skating competition and you fell inlove with me at first sight." Sunghoon let out an airy laugh, while Heeseung let out a small giggle. 

"Yeah. It was love. At. First sight." Heeseung’s chest was moving up and down heavily, his voice raspy. Sunghoon smiled fondly at the words of the other.

"Can you. Perform. For me." Heeseung said breatheless. He looks so beautiful while looking up Sunghoon like that. "Of course." 

Sunghoon has called over the others for help. Now, Heeseung and the others are outside of the ice rink as Hanbin connected his phone in the speakers so there could be music.

And then Sunghoon danced, he danced with so much grace and elegance, his body moving like a feather joining the dance of the air, he spins perfectly, his hands makes beautiful gestures and Heeseung’s bottom lip quivered at that as he tried to keep the tears he had bottled up for so long in bay.

This could be the last time, he'll see Sunghoon play with ice as if he's a part of it, his eyes memorized the way his body moves, he memorized that calm look on Sunghoon's face as he spins in the air. 

Heeseung wants to be there. He wants to be with Sunghoon. Forever.

He looked around and saw the smiles on his friends faces, he basked in the feeling of the happiness and joy in their eyes. Heeseung doesn't want to leave them.

Sunoo turned around and catches his eyes, Heeseung smiled at him. Sunoo made him chaotic and more positive about life, Sunoo is the one who's always smiling is now staring at Heeseung with teary eyes as he smiled back at him.

Hanbin is swaying his body to the tone of the music. His Hanbin hyung, who listened to his worries and burdens is with him and Heeseung feels so bad about the promise that he made with the older, the promise to get old together sounds so impossible now, right.

Jay is staring at him and the other looked away when Heeseung caught his eyes. Jay, the stubborn baby, the younger brother that he wants to have. This is so unfair, Heeseung doesn't even want to leave them.

Daniel is just simply enjoying Sunghoon's performance. Their maknae, that Sunghoon and him treats like a son alongside Jungwon, he cannot believe that he put Daniel in this sad situation.

Jungwon is standing besides Sunoo. Jungwon, his self proclaimed son. Jungwon has always been with him, he's so grateful for him. Heeseung wishes that he's healthy to just be with them.

Jake is beside him. Jake is gonna take care of them, he's sure of it. He's so so thankful for this guy, he's the reason why Heeseung and Sunghoon is what they are now. He wishes that he has more time in the world so he can spend more days with his friends.

The music ended as Sunghoon raised both of his hands in the air and his friends erupted in loud cheers. Heeseung smiled when he saw Sunghoon skating over and immediately exited the ice rink to walk over to him.

“It’s so beautiful Sunghoon. You’ve outdone yourself.” Heeseung’s eyes landed on Sunghoon's. Sunghoon had picked Heeseung bridal style up, earning him a squeak from the older. Heeseung tightly gripped the small oxygen bag in his hands. He carried Heeseung to the bench and sat down, Heeseung settling in Sunghoon’s lap. He felt Heeseung’s bruised lips brush against his jaw.

Sunghoon was about to speak when Heeseung started coughing again. He didn’t think much of it, expecting it to stop on it’s own yet it continued, violently shaking his tiny frame. He fished for a pack of tissues out of his pants, pressing one against his nose and mouth. Heeseung couldn’t breath, the coughing gave him the feeling of his airway being cut. He felt lightheaded when the coughing finally died down. Heeseung wiped his bloodied mouth clean and shoved the tissues into his pocket. He had just coughed up a blood clot that looked like some capillary. 

Sunghoon looked at him with so much worry in his eyes and Heeseung's chest blossomed with warmth, he smiled before shaking his head as a way of saying that it's nothing, but it's not nothing Sunghoon isn't dumb, coughing out a blood clot was never okay, but he let it be and believed Heeseung.

Heeseung turned the oxygen level up. The tiny device the hospital had lent him was way handier than the stupid oxygen bottle. It was like a tiny bag, taking the air from the room and turning it into pure oxygen. 

They stayed like that, with Heeseung curled up in Sunghoon's lap, as their friends entered the ice rink again, not before kissing Heeseung's forehead. "Can you. Put. Snow globes. In my grave. When. I'm gone." Sunghoon’s throat constricted. He knew it was going to happen sooner than later. He had thought a lot about it, spending countless nights tossing and turning. No matter how much he tried, the topic still set him off. “Yeah, of course.” It was merely a whisper.

Heeseung smiled softly, "They remind. Me. Of. You." Heeseung says and Sunghoon hums. The thought still hurts him. Heeseung listened to Sunghoon talk about different things. He found his lover's voice to be the most relaxing thing. Heeseung didn't want to leave him. He was scared. He was scared of what was going to happen once he had died. He knew that Sunghoon would be a mess. He knew that he was already blaming himself for everything that happened.

Heeseung hadn't told him, or anyone for that case, that he can't remember bits of the past, Heeseung cannot even remember how he met Jay, Heeseung lost the memory of his and Sunghoon's fourth date. Heeseung was feeling funny. He couldn't describe what that feeling was, which scared him even more. He looked up and suddenly kissed Sunghoon. Sunghoon blinked in confusion and surprise, he didn't even get the chance to kiss him back because soon enough Heeseung pulled away, stares at his eyes and caressed his cheeks, his fingers cold against his burning skin.

Sunghoon let him, Sunghoon let Heeseung's fingers trail over his face, he let Heeseung memorize every inch of his face because he's also doing the same.

Heeseung was happy. He was scared but he was still happy. He felt the warmth radiate from Sunghoon, warming his own body that slowly turned cold. And yet even in that moment, everything hurt. He couldn't breathe, as if someone was squeezing his windpipe agonizingly slow shut.

He gasped for air, scratching lightly at Sunghoon's shirt. “Please. Please Sunghoon-”

Heeseung was panicking. If this was what dying felt like, he didn't want it. The doctors had promised him a painless death. Sunghoon was desperately trying to calm Heeseung down. Sunghoon had looked around of what else he could do, he considered calling over his friends when his hand landed on Heeseung's forehead and its cold, not just with the sweat, no. Cold like the ice that Sunghoon has grown to love.

He was melting away from him. He was losing the only person he had ever truly loved. He was losing him forever.

“It's okay, Seungie. It's okay. You don't have to fight it anymore.” Sunghoon whispered in Heeseung's ear, holding his head close to his chest and soothingly moving his other hand up and down the olders bony back. At his words, Heeseung seemed to relax and the snapping subsided slowly.

"It's okay hyung, you've fought well. You're so strong, you did great. I love you." 

Sunghoon never stopped rocking their bodies gently until he felt Heeseung murmur a “I love you so much, Sunghoon-ah” under his last breath. When he felt Heeseung go limp in his arms, Sunghoon let his tears fall. He never let go of the tiny body. He cried and pressed a soft kiss onto Heeseung's cold temple.

Jungwon stopped skating when he saw Sunghoon crying, the others asking him what's wrong, when he didn't answer they all looked at the same direction.

They all left the ice rink, it broke everyone's heart when Sunghoon kept on muttering "You’ve done so well Seung hyung.” as he continued on rocking their bodies.

They all just stood there, while Jake silently called an ambulance. Everyone is crying, Sunoo and Hanbin hugging each other as tiny sobs racked through their body, Jungwon and Daniel walked over to Sunghoon, they both hugged him from behind, Jay is on the edge of the ice rink, looking elsewhere but his broken friend and Jake is just standing there looking away as he tries to stop his tears.

Heeseung melted away too fast just like ice. Disappeared to fast from Sunghoon's life.

**Author's Note:**

> im really really sorry


End file.
